100,000 pesos to perform with this El Guapo, who's probably the biggest actor to come out of Mexico!

i leave for mexico in less than 24 hours...

i don't think i've ever felt as ill-prepared for a trip as i do this one... i mean, i haven't brushed up on what little spanish i might have acquired in 9th and 10th grade... i haven't done laundry, which means i haven't packed... i haven't prayed as much as i should have at this point... i haven't even thought about whether or not i need to worry about currency (until just now)...

i know all of it will fall into place... i know that everything will be better than fine... i guess that's why i'm not worried about any of it... i suppose i should be... but i'm not... i'm mostly excited that i get to use my passport again before it expires in may... i guess i should look at getting it renewed... i'd love to have a different passport picture than the one i have right now...

i am really excited about going, though... i'm excited about travelling with people... spending hours in a van full of people that are dear to me... and about seeing some precious children who i get to play with and love on... not to mention a couple of days outside of my world... the one filled with too much work and minor and not-so-minor frustrations...

should be good... pictures to come soon...

all i want for christmas is you...

i love that song, btw... but this post is not necessarily related to it...

here is the beginning of a list of things i think i suck at sometimes (some of them are things i think i suck at all the time...)

1) relationships (all of them)
2) words
3) life
4) following Christ
5) accepting grace and the free gifts God has given me

lately, i've been struggling with relationships and also the concept of accepting God's free gifts... i know i've received salvation, but i think that there are so many other good things He has for me... and they're sitting there wrapped under the tree... but it's like i'm afraid of them or i don't know what to do with them or i feel like i don't deserve them...

so, a dear friend of mine encouraged me to read through John in an attempt to examine Jesus' relationships... all of them, through John's eyes...

i started the other night and have still only made it through verses 1-2...

"in the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God."

there was a reference from vs. 1 to Phil 2:6... "who, though He was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped"

this stopped me in my tracks... i am still baffled by that idea. Jesus didn't consider equality with God a thing to be grasped... what? for real? my journal is filled with pages of notes... all mixed up... "yes, Jesus does what the Father wills... in the garden, he said, 'not my will, but yours be done.' but really... Jesus is perfect. He is God... it's another trinity concept i can't grasp..."

so, then, i get to verse 2 and there was a reference to 1 john 1:2, "the life was made manifest, and we have seen it, and testify to it and proclaim to you the eternal life, which was with the Father and was made manifest to us."

which leaves me with this. Word = Jesus = Life... which reminds me of John 6:63. "The words that I have spoken to you are spirit and life."

so i'm blown away by all of this... but there is a simplicity in it, as well... so i'm just trying to figure it all out... when my pastor says, "what is the relationship of the Father to the Son?" and i can't even scratch the surface of that... like i don't get it or something... and then Chris takes it one step further and says, " okay... here's your free gift... 'as the Father has loved me, so I have loved you...' what do you do with that? what does that look like?"

and i'm still wrestling... Jesus loves me the same way the Father loves Him... it seems like it should be so easy... like a teeny-bopper love song... but it's not... and they are more than mere words...

part of me finds comfort in knowing that i can never fully know God and His thoughts... yet He knows me fully, gets my thoughts and still offers me presents...

this probably doesn't make sense to anyone but me... but then again, i'm probably the only one who will even see it...

sleepy eyes, part 2...

i guess it's the same song, second verse...

my eyes are way sleepier today than friday... that's what going to bed at 2:45 a.m. and getting up at 6 a.m. for work will do to a person... and there's a fun story behind it that i just can't share on a public arena...

why am i dumb?

however, my barista-friends (whose names i now know) provided me with a most wonderful triple-grande-cinnamon-dolce-latte... and on accident, he rung it up as a partner beverage... fyi... that means it's free...

i don't think i could love him more if i tried... i should have gotten a venti...

and i think i will be annoyed with the piped-in music at my office soon... it's a lot more noticeable when no one is here... it sounds like phantom of the opera but it's christmas music...

i guess i should get some work done... that was the reason i came in early... :)...

sleepy eyes...

my hair is curled and i have makeup on...

i'm wearing heels...

and i left for work before the sun actually came up...

thank you, barista-friends, for my coffee and with an extra discount... you're in the process of saving my life...

done....

here's what i miss about nashville:

a handful of relationships that are being nurtured and maintained on both sides...
the skyline...
a few fun places to hang out...

here's what i don't miss about nashville:

pretty much everything else...


i think i was able to do what i needed to do while i was there last weekend... i'm glad to be home. i'm glad to know who cares. i'm glad to have an incredible church family who loves me. i'm glad that i was wise enough to leave when i did. i'm glad i don't ever want to move back there. i'm glad it didn't feel like home. i'm glad i didn't feel welcome. i'm glad the pancake pantry is still great. i'm glad amy helped me move because if she hadn't, i would have died. i'm glad i wasn't completely alone. i'm glad i felt happy when i was back in little rock. i'm glad that i was met with lots of hugs and smiling faces. i'm glad those hugs and faces had strong arms to help me unload the trailer in record speed.

that's it...

on a completely separate note... i'm loving christmas music these days... pretty much the whole christmas season... maybe it's working at starbucks with the red cups... i love them... and the green and blue sleeves... and the red shirts with the green aprons... and all of that...

i get by with a little help from my friends...

i want to make a music video with my friends... but i never will... i'm just not that cool...

i write about friendship a lot... i am not exactly sure why that is... i have guesses, but i don't really know why i do so much...
so, here's another essay on friendship, with a twist... i'm sure it will not shed any new light on the concept of friendship, but writing costs way less than therapy, so here i am, upon a beautiful leather couch (in my head)...

2 concepts… I have written about them numerous times…

1) "it happens sometimes… friends come in and out of your life like busboys in a restaurant… "
I got to spend some time this week with a friend I haven't seen in years… at one point, we were inseparable… someone told us during our friendship that even though it seems like the friends you have in high school will remain your best friends throughout life, it just doesn't happen… of course, we wouldn't listen to him… even though he was right… however, last night, sitting at that table, having our dessert and drinks, it was apparent to me that, no, we might not be best friends anymore but she still is a part of my life… I suspect we will always be friends, if for no other reason than the fact that her friendship is part of my history… I'm really proud of who she is… and we agreed that even though we don't talk as much as we should that time together was fun and not a chore… that even though we've been through completely different experiences, we are, in fact, still the same people… just a bit more jaded and cynical…

2) "friends of choice vs. friends of convenience…"
I think about this a lot… last night I thought about it at church with relation to paul and aquila and priscilla (acts 18)… sometimes I have friends in my life who are friends because it's convenient… it sounds awful, I know… but in the numerous times I've moved, it's inevitable that I've had friendships that were only for a season… it was convenient to be friends with jenny because we were roommates and now that we're not, I have no idea where she lives or what she is doing… most of the time these friendships of convenience are kind of understood… like it kind of makes sense that once someone moves away that things won't be the same, for the most part…

friends of choice are much deeper friendships… regardless of moves and changes, an effort is made on each part to remain friends… to keep up with what is going on… to truly practice the art of kindness and patience and listening and giving and laughter (my favorite parts of friendship) and all the other stuff…

what I've never experienced until this move are friends who I thought were friends of choice who have dismissed me as friends of convenience… and it may be that I've just become too cynical or frustrated… but I give up… One of my favorite John Cusack set of quotes is, "I draw the line at 7 unreturned phone calls..." "This is my 8th and final call…" well, I have drawn the line… and then even called once more… but I'm really done… it's a sad day when you realize you were the friend of convenience… and it wasn't a silent understanding or even an understanding at all...

on a somewhat similar note... i hung out with 2 friends from church the other night (actually, i hang out with friends from church a lot and i always have a good time), and it was amazing and so fun... we laughed a lot and it was truly effortless... i know i'm not alone... i know friendships fade sometimes, but i'm thankful that there are new friends when the old ones decided i'm not worth their time...

maybe we should make a music video... somebody bring the camera... i'll bring the soundtrack...

Well, then I shall convert them, I am the Jehovah's coffee girl.

when i lived in washington, i drank more coffee than i seem to these days... it could have been that there was a huge abundance of starbucks locations nearby to both my home and to work... i know it seems like nashville has a ton of starbucks locations around... but here's the truth...

from my job in washington: within a 2-mile radius there were 7 starbucks stores... within a 5-mile radius, there were 22...

from my job in franklin: within a 2-mile radius there are no starbucks stores, and within a 5-mile radius, there are 7...

from my apartment in nashville: 2-mile radius - 0, 5-mile radius - 8

from my apartment in washington: 2-mile radius - 2, 5-mile radius - 8

those are just a few facts... not to mention, i passed multiple locations on my 10-15 minute commute to work in wa, and i don't pass a single location on my 20-25 minute commute to work here...

so i drank more coffee... it's not that i like it any less here, but it's not as much of a habit... i can count the number of times i've had starbucks this month on one hand... i don't know if it's just because i don't drive by locations very much at all... but it would be out of the way for me to go now... and i only go on occasion these days...

but none of this is really the point of the story... one of the reasons that i think i went to starbucks so much in vancouver was because of starbucks jason... he was my coffee guy... when i first met him, he worked at the store right down the street from my office... he was so nice and friendly... and he knew what i wanted when i went in... and he did an excellent job of making my coffee... so we got to be friends, sort-of... then he switched stores, and as it was sort-of on my way to and from work, i switched stores... i liked the feeling of knowing i could walk in and get exactly what i wanted, and see a friendly face... and most of the time if they weren't busy, he'd even come around and give me a hug... if you know anything about northwest culture, you know that doesn't happen...

and the thing about starbucks jason is that he was like that with a ton of people... one day my boss and i were chatting and i said something about "the guy that works at starbucks" and how great he was that i felt like he knew me and he always knew what i wanted... i think it was a discussion with relation to the church... and he said, "jason?" - he was friends with jason, too... and i think the best part about it was that it felt good to be known... it seemed like (and i think it's true that) jason really cared about people... that he really did care about my boss and about me... and he really loved knowing people and making them feel at ease...

at this point, i could switch and start talking about the body of christ and how encouraging and freeing it is to be around people who are not only familiar with who i am, but who really know me... a group of people who know what makes my heart beat a little faster and who would be like the believers in acts who had "all things in common" - not because they are all alike but because they share a similar passion and vision...

but this is not a discussion about the church this time...

it became apparent that starbucks jason was great at what he does... makes people feel at ease, is friendly and is obviously good enough to score repeat customers... customers who think he is great and remember his name... to this day, i still don't know starbucks jason's last name... i don't know where he grew up or what his favorite book is... i used to know a few things through random discussion... but i can't really remember... i remember what he looks like and that when he would see me, he would smile really big... maybe because it was encouraging to him to see somebody familiar... someone that he knew would be excited to see him, too...

and i missed him this week... he was brought to my mind and i missed the feeling of a familiar stranger... especially one who makes great coffee... on friday i was still housesitting and i could easily go just a bit out of the way for starbucks and even get to go through a drive-thru, which is especially helpful in starbucks runs... so i went through and had "a moment" with the guy who worked there... it was really fun... we both kind of laughed and bid each other "good days" and i thought, for a moment, "could he be my new starbucks jason?" too bad that location is not extremely convenient for my morning routine...

i think i really just want to be known... i am fully aware that starbucks jason doesn't know me... but he knew me well enough to know when he hadn't seen me in a while or that the coffee he made me was my favorite and that he added joy to my day... and that was really enough... and i hope that i can be starbucks jason to someone... and that maybe, in return, i'll find another starbucks jason soon...

words in my head...

there were a couple of different occasions this week where i heard friends say things like:

“i love the way he/she writes.”

“i wish i could write like that.”

“i don’t know how they wrote exactly what i was thinking.”

i have definitely uttered versions of these phrases if not the exact ones… i used to write a lot. now, it’s an occasional practice that seems overwhelming. i constantly have things swirling in my head. words i wish i would have said, words i wish i could take back, or words and phrases i just can’t seem to fit together to make any sense to anyone but me.

here are a few words and phrases in my head at the moment... don't worry if they don't make sense... i don't even really care if you read them... it's just a starting place for me... i'm determined to start writing again... to make sense of the jumbled up mess going on in my head... so this is just the beginning of my therapy...

"helper seeking helper"

"buddy"

"i miss my friend"

"busboys"

"home"

"circle of heads"

"lonely"

"graphic design"

"human resources"

"furniture"

"hilarious"

"cheerleader"

"closeness"

"tired"

"40 gallons of sap"

"starbucks jason"

that's all i've got for today... at some point, soon, these words might make sense... but for right now, i'm done. i'm tapping out.

boy, this is a mother dictionary...

sometimes i suck at words... i say words wrong or misuse them... so, i've decided to make a list of words i like... then i will look them up on dictionary.com and provide a definition... this will probably only be fun for me...

misstep: an error or slip in conduct; faux pas.

synergy: The interaction of two or more agents or forces so that their combined effect is greater than the sum of their individual effects.

ineffable: 1. incapable of being expressed or described in words; inexpressible
2. not to be spoken because of its sacredness; unutterable

unrequited: 1. not returned or reciprocated
2. not repaid or satisfied.

anhedonia: lack of pleasure or of the capacity to experience it. (adj: anhedonic)

thanks, hank...

last night, i looked over my books and tried to decide which ones to take on vacation... i spotted a book by henri nouwen called a cry for mercy... it is a book of prayers he wrote while in a monastery... i used one of the prayers during a sermon in seminary for my preaching class... since then, it is one of those books that i can pick up, read a prayer or two and gain some insight... sometimes they are just a quick read and sometimes they have more impact than i had bargained for... there is not one for everyday... but i like to find the prayer that is closest to the present date...

there is a prayer for may 13... and here's what it said,

"Dear Lord, I bring before You all the people who experience failure in their search for a creative, affectionate relationship. Many single people feel lonely and unable to sustain a friendship for a long period of time; many married people feel frustrated in their marriage and separate to go different ways; many children cannot speak to their parents; and many parents have become afraid of their children. All around me I see the hunger for love and the inability to experience it in a deep and lasting way.

O Lord, look with favor on us, your people, and impart your love to us - not as an idea or concept, but as a lived experience. We can only love each other because You have loved us first. Let us know that first love so that we can see all human love as a reflection of a greater love, a love without conditions and limitations.

Heal those who feel hurt in their most intimate self, who feel rejected, misunderstood, or even misused. Show them your healing love and help them on the way to forgiveness and reconciliation. Amen"

phantom faucet...

in our bathroom at work, there is a crazy sink... it's been defective since before i started working here... until the last week or so, the handle had to be in just the right position for water to not continue to drip from the spout. it's continued to get worse and the last few days have been my favorite...

i had decided to quit using that particular sink as there are three others and one time i could not get it to stop running...

so the last few times i've used the sink i opted for the middle one... and the weird part is, when i turn on the middle sink, water comes rushing out of it as well as the broken sink... same is true for the far left one... it's the phantom faucet... i think it's just tied to the same water as the other sinks but it's a weird feeling to turn on one faucet and for water to come from 2 spouts...

the story would be so much better as a video...

i wonder if there is a spiritual correlation that i can tie to it... maybe "when we are pouring out our lives, it will cause others to pour out their lives?"... maybe not... how about: "beware ghosts in the bathroom?"... not likely... i'll choose: "be in tune with the Lord and try to be like Him at all times..." seems the best option of the 3...

that's all i've got for today... just for the record, things are good.

a few little pieces of random... without the painful side effects...

you can blame me for the rain... for the last 3 days i've been listening to one of my favorite cd's which just happens to be called, "songs for a rainy day..." so it's probably my fault... i'm just so into songs about rain right now...

i'm also very into gnomes... i even got a new gnome bag that i carry as a purse... it says "have a nice day" - i mean it... i really hope you do...

i went to driving school the other night... it keeps a ticket off my record... so i'm down with that... a lady was explaining a scenario and said (exact quote)... i like merging well... "i think it's important to merge well..." i have to say that i agree with her... i love an appropriate merge...

i went to my first lacrosse game tonight... a few of my girls were playing on opposite teams... i don't know much about lacrosse, but maybe that will change over the next few weeks... i'm pretty amazed at their skill...

i've gone mad for march madness... i love this time of year... i love checking the scores and my brackets... i don't ever really have a great bracket... but i still love it... maybe it's the chance to be competitive without actually playing anything...

i don't know why i haven't gone home yet... it's way past time... so i guess that means i'm out!!!

only God can judge you, ruth... back off joshua

i don't know why i have always been a big fan of going out for lunch... maybe it's because i like the break in the monotony of a day... my a.d.d. has never been a big fan of routine...

there's nothing better than an outdoor lunch in the spring or fall. sun shining with a blend of gentle breeze... the contrast between the sun beating down on a leg or an arm, almost burning, mixed with a wind that will chill to the bone... there's nothing like it...

it seems that lately people have felt the need to engage in small talk with me. complete strangers feel compelled to comment on the weather or the length of the waiting line or the food selection. it happens to me a lot when i'm at lunch alone. i always thought i was more unapproachable than that (not something i'm proud of, just something i thought about myself)... maybe they think i'm lonely... maybe they lead lives of quiet desperation, too... maybe they're just nice people... today i liked her accent and were i not so set on being a loner, we might have become friends... maybe not...

i am nervous about the upcoming months... new challenges can be exciting and they can also be terrifying... today, for me, it's as blended as the sun and wind during lunch... i've never been so excited to potentially do what has brought me more joy than anything i've done since i moved to nashville, even if it's only 5 hours a week. i've decided that i will put all of the effort i can muster into it, even though all of that mustered effort should be applied toward the other 35. it's just new (sort of) and exciting (really).

at the same exact time, i'm terrified of failure and disappointing those who expect so much of me. what if they have taken a chance on me and i fall completely short of their expectations like i have done so many times before with prior expectation holders.

i've been thinking a lot about Ruth since Sunday... how, when she pledged her devotion to Naomi and Naomi's God (Yahweh), she was promised nothing in return. there was no hope or promise for anything other than a rough life of picking up other's leftovers and depending on the mercy of the community...

i've never been one to want to rely on the mercy of someone else and i hate leftovers...

ruth diligently served her dead-husband's-mother with unwaivering obedience and faith. even to do what seemed ridiculous...

because of God's faithfulness and Ruth's obedience, Ruth was given more than enough... even if it was only in the amount of leftovers she could gather... He didn't stop there... she was given more than i'm sure she could have ever imagined...

i struggle sometimes with feeling like i don't have what i want. we know the end of ruth's story... with Ruth, not only an honorable husband was provided, but a family and a place in the direct lineage of Jesus Christ.

how willing am i to struggle, knowing i am not promised anything and to remain faithful and obedient, regardless of the outcome? and not for the outcome... simply because God was faithful first, because He loved me first, because of His goodness, His mercy?

God, teach me to love leftovers and to not be "too good" in my heart to diligently serve others by picking them up... help me to hear what people are saying to me, even in the small talk... lead me to love others the way You love... sacrificially and unconditionally...

"at least you're okay..."

is the phrase i've heard more than a lot of times in the last 36 hours or so...

thursday night at about 6:30 cst, i was on my way home from work... i was driving down hillsboro rd., looked down for a moment, and looked back up to see traffic stopped for someone to turn... i slammed on my brakes and tried to not hit the car in front of me with no luck...

there was pretty extensive damage to my car... (i'll know next week what it is exactly.) the airbags broke my glasses (i was definitely wearing them)... no one was hurt - my injuries were the only ones and they were minor - my knee is bruised up and i have bruises and burns from the seatbelt and small burn on my nose from the airbag... my neck and head were hurting pretty bad that night and my back a little bit yesterday... (i went to the er and had xrays and a cat scan done)... so in that sense, i'm okay...

it was pretty rough for me... i cried a lot... i feel really responsible and it just seems to have come at a really bad time... but i'm glad that no one was seriously injured... i am going today to get everything i need out of my car... i am hoping to take some pictures of it and i also know that it will be rough to see it...

a lot of people were praying for me thursday and between that and the pain meds they gave me, the pain is a lot less severe than i know it could be right now... but i'm still pretty achy...

it was only me and one other car and the driver was extremely nice... i took the day off of work yesterday and slept most of the day... at least i'm okay... :)

the skating rink and jesus...

Last night the hs ministry went skating… I don’t remember the last time I wore roller skates, but I do remember my skating rink experiences as a child at after school care… and every time I think about them, I think about one story in particular…

My mom ran the after school program I went to in elementary school. When I was in 5^th grade, we went to the skating rink one afternoon a week. I loved going to the skating rink… it was fun hanging out with my friends, I could play my favorite video game at the time (a car racing one), I could get a big pickle to eat, not to mention the skating part… my favorite song that they played at the skating rink was “bust a move”…

There was this boy named alan who was always at the skating rink when we went… he was the cool kid at the skating rink with his cool skates… he worked at the skating rink or was friends with the people or had connections, because he could get up in the dj booth and pick the music… he was only my age or a year older than me and all of my friends thought he was really cute and talked about him incessantly…

That annoyed me… maybe it was because I wanted my friends’ attention or maybe it was because secretly, I wanted to like him but didn’t want to be like all my friends… I’ve never been a bandwagon kind of girl… I would talk about how much I hated him and how he wasn’t cute at all… and how annoying he was… I don’t think I believed any of those things in my heart, but that’s definitely what I said…

I went over to my mom who was standing with the lady who ran the other daycare who shared our day and started going on and on about that alan boy and how annoying it was that everyone thought he was cute… then I found out the truth… that lady who owned the other daycare was definitely his mom…

I was pretty embarrassed about it, but I didn’t really care because he was annoying and I was annoyed that all my friends only wanted to talk about him and not do fun stuff like eat pickles and play video games with me… I didn’t really hate him or anything, I just didn’t care that much about him… and I didn’t want to fight for his attention… I just wanted to skate and eat pickles and play video games…

One of the days I was playing my video game and he walked over and asked me if I wanted to go out or be his girlfriend or something to that effect… and I was elated… that might have been the only conversation we ever had, but I was so happy that he had chosen me… the next few weeks would definitely be filled with my mind wandering during Ms. Warren’s class while I made a cross with our initials written in the squares on my heart-designed lisa frank paper… the boy that every girl wanted had chosen me… suddenly it didn’t matter than I thought he was annoying and hated him… he chose me because he wanted to… and technically, since we never talked after that one time, i guess, we are actually still dating…

While I was at passion last week, I was challenged in many ways about my relationship with Christ. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt the joy of simply having a relationship with Jesus. Somewhere along the way I’ve stopped feeling about Jesus the way I did when I wrote a cross with my initials and alan’s initials in the box on my heart paper. This morning as I was thinking about everything, my head went to Titus (of all places) and a passage of scripture that I heard many times in college…

Titus 3:3-7

“For we also once were foolish ourselves, disobedient, deceived, enslaved to various lusts and pleasures, spending our life in malice and envy, hateful, hating one another. But when the kindness of God our Savior and His love for mankind appeared, He saved us, not on the basis of deeds which we have done in righteousness, but according to His mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewing by the Holy Spirit, whom He poured out upon us richly through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that being justified by His grace we would be made heirs according to the hop of eternal life.”

When I was in the 5^th grade, a boy named alan chose me and it brought joy to my little world... I had been in opposition to him and it didn’t matter… he chose me…

before I was born, God chose me (and I realized it 12 years later) and it is still bringing joy to my little world… even today… my life before God was in complete opposition to Him. I was disobedient, deceived, enslaved, malicious, envious, and hateful and it didn’t matter. He chose me…